Call it What You Want, This is Murder.

As write this, the great State of Texas is making plans to murder a man named Scott Panetti. Of course, if this murder is accomplished, it won't officially be called that; legally it will be an execution. Legal niceties, however, don't effect moral realities and if Scott Panetti dies at the hands of the state, it will be murder, whatever the law calls it.

Lest there be any misunderstanding, I'm not of the view that every execution is murder. While I personally hold the opinion that capital punishment should be abolished, I recognise, as does the Catholic Church, that the state has the right to punish sufficiently heinous crimes with the death penalty. In the case of Scott Panetti, however, I fail to see how any person could regard the execution as morally justifiable.

Panetti has been sentenced to die for the 1992 murder of his in laws. There is no real doubt that Panetti did kill them. The reason his execution is so obviously unjust, however, is first, there is good reason to doubt his sanity at the time, and second, because his 1995 trial was a clear travesty.

Scott Panetti is a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. In the years leading up to the 1992 killing he had no fewer than three compulsory admissions to mental hospitals, all on the same diagnosis. At his 1995 trial, he chose to represent himself, giving as his reason for doing so that he believed his appointed lawyer was part of a conspiracy against him. At the trial he dressed in a purple cowboy suit, called himself 'Sarge' and attempted to subpoena the then Pope, the late President John F. Kennedy and Jesus Christ.

So, this ought to be the end of the matter, there is good reason to doubt his sanity at the time of the killings and he clearly wasn't fit to defend himself at his trial, he should be locked up for his own and others' protection but should not be put to death. Some, however, don't see it that way. Texas' governor, Rick Perry, has repeatedly refused to intervene in the case. Perry was candidate for the Republican Party's presidential nomination in 2012 and has flagged the possibility of running again in 2016. He likes to put himself forward as pro-life and a defender of Christian moral values.

In similar manner, one of those defending Panetti's death sentence in the federal courts has been Ted Cruz. Cruz, who defended the sentence in his capacity as the state's attorney general, is now a US Senator and darling of the 'Tea Party'. He also presents himself as a champion of pro-life values.

For anyone with a basic understanding of Christian moral philosophy or even basic humanity, understanding this should not be difficult. For Christians, one of the great glories of humanity is our freedom of the will. Our moral responsibility grows out of that freedom. For this reason, while we generally want humans punished when they do something wrong, we don't demand to see the tools they used or the clothes they wore punished, because we recognise that these things don't have free will. For the same reasons, people are not generally held accountable for what they do accidentally because they did not freely will it. (They are punished for the results of their negligence, but the negligence was freely chosen, even if the consequence wasn't.)

In the case of the mentally ill, however, that free will is impaired. In the case of someone as clearly insane and delusional as Panetti, that freedom is impaired to such a great degree that he can reasonably be deemed no more morally responsible that one of the weapons he used. In such circumstances, the state has no moral right to execute him and, should it do so, his death will morally be a murder, whatever the great State of Texas shall call it.

A Day in the Life of Jason

TW: Mental Health Stuff

I had plans today for writing two posts today, one on the Book of Isaiah and the other a continuation of my response to James White. However, stuff happened, so you get this post instead.

Most of those who know me know about my long term mental health problems. To be specific, my diagnosis (or one of them) is Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD is a complex animal, giving a full explanation of what it's like is difficult, but the worst part of it, is an extreme emotional instability. On a bad day my emptions can swing back and forth at a really scary speed.

This morning, when I started composing this post I was feeling like there was an incredible weight that had somehow been attached to my stomach. The pit of my stomach felt horribly heavy and I had no idea what to do about it.  There were a whole lot of things I wanted to do, instead I just lay on my bed thinking about what a horrible person I am. I was pretty certain that if I got up and did something productive, this would have make me feel less horrible, yet there I lay.

Why don't I get up? In large part the answer is because I was scared. Scared of what, I honestly can't tell you, but that's a big part of my condition, frequently, when I try to do something to help me snap out of the condition, I frequently have an awful panic attack, but I can't tell what I'm panicking about.

So, that's been my day, or at least a large part of it. Here's the weird thing, however, I'm not depressed. I've never been depressed, at least in the strict clinical sense, so, if you suffer from depression, I apologise if I get this wrong, I'm going by second hand accounts. If I understand depression correctly, one of the symptoms is anhedonia, or an inability to gain pleasure from the things one would normally enjoy. This isn't a problem for me. I can be in a state of really deep emotional pain and self loathing and still enjoy all the things I would normally enjoy.

So, this morning, after laying on my bed feeling like crap for a bit and writing a first draft of this post, I put some funny videos on YouTube. I enjoyed said videos, and I cheered up, but only to a point. So, for most of today, I've been doing fun things to distract myself, and it has mostly worked, but again, only to a point. For most of today I've been doing things that I've really enjoyed, and my main focus has been on those things. But, always, in the periphery of my attention, that feeling has been there, that feeling that I'm a horrible person, that I hate myself and that everyone would be better off if I killed myself. I've managed to keep those thoughts out of the centre of my consciousness, but I haven't been able to fully escape them.

And that, friends, has been my day.
 

Mr. Repzion's New Direction

I was both interested and rather touched by this video posted by atheist "vlogger" (a term I dislike) Daniel "MrRepzion" Sulzbach, MrRepzion is, obviously, some I have my fair share of disagreements with, but also someone with whom I have a few things in common: we seem to share a few of the "nerdier" fan activities.  More importantly, he's talked a lot about his history with mental illness and a lot of what he has to say on the subject of his struggles has struck a real cord with me.

MrRepzion begins this latest video with the words "I really hate being a perfectionist." I definatly relate. I think a large part of my mental health problems are related to perfectionism. There are various things both in the past and now which I could have done or could be doing but which, when I attempt to do them, I find myself paralysed by the fear that I won't do them perfectly.

After this opening admission, MrRepzion goes on to describe the way in which he feels he has been discussing religion in the wrong way. He says that he feels that his previous videos attack religion have come across as far too hostile. I have to say that I'm not certain I agree. I've seen a number of his videos and haven't found him overly aggressive. I've certainly seen worse. He goes on, however, to say that, while he still intends to make videos about religion he doesn't want to continue with such a polemical tone. His aim, he says, will be to take a more nuanced approach, exploring, for example, the reasons why people become religious.

I have to say, this former atheist convert to Catholicism is very keen to hear of MrRepzion's change of emphasis. I don't know what exactly his plans are but I'd be very excited to interact with him on this subject and I hope other Christians will likewise by interacting with his material in a positive way.

So, this has been my day.

So, I’m guessing that there will be some people who’ll read this blog post and feel that it’s a little too much information. I thought long and hard about posting it. What made me decide to post, in part, was the memory of something I read a while back. Someone, writing at the National Catholic Register, I can’t remember who, suggested that one of the best things that we ordinary lay folk could do for the cause of evangelisation was to be honest about struggles in following Jesus.

So, here goes the guy in the psycho-killer mask making an attempt to do his bit for the new evangelisation.

I’ve mentioned, at least once before on this blog, I have a long-term mental illness. The experts disagree about the exact nature of this illness, but there seems to be a consensus that its trauma related. It’s something that’s been a part of me since at least my late teens, and, while the symptoms come and go, it’s always there.

The past week and a bit has been especially bad, and today has been worse. I’ve had a number of really bad flashbacks. I keep, uncontrollably, thinking back to horrible stuff that happened when I was young. I can’t control the thoughts, and the emotions which they bring. I’ve had a couple of these memories on a recurring loop video in my brain and I’m struggling to get some kind of control over this. Largely I’m failing.

Running through all this is the feeling that I am worthless. The thought of suicide has also been there, don’t worry, I’m not in any danger, and I know who to call if that changes, but the idea is there.

So, here’s the thing, how do I believe in a just and loving God in the middle of a trauma related episode. Part of me just wants to shout abuse at Him, although I know, from experience, how little that can help.  There’s a temptation to simply tell myself I don’t believe, that can last for about thirty seconds, but whenever I try to verbalise that in any way, I am reminded who I am.

A while back, I attempted to write a poem which processes some of what I experienced during periods like this. One of the things my poem emphasised, was my need to remember the fact that, however, I felt about it, external reality is what it always is, my feelings don’t change that.

Ok, so I believe, how do I pray? At the moment, my prayer-life pretty much consists of a declaration that I believe in Him, and an offering up of my messed-up brain. It’s nothing much, but it’s what I have.

And I’m truly grateful to Him that I have that.

How not to Evangelise.

I'm a Christian. I'm also a sufferer from a long term mental illness. I can remember one day, many years ago, when my depression was unusually bad; I was walking through the Central Business District in Canberra when I was approached by a fellow who mentioned that I looked like I was unhappy. He went on to tell me that he was a pastor at a certain church. I won't name the church, but the senior pastor (presumably this guy's boss) was, at the time, a fairly well known name in Canberra’s evangelical community.
 

The gentleman told me that he could see I looked unhappy and assured me that, if I would simply embrace Jesus, he'd take away my depression, just like that. I didn't particularly feel like discussing theology at the time so I just smiled politely, thanked him, took a leaflet from him and went off to get some lunch. (If my memory serves, the lunch cheered me up considerably.)
 

I thought about this today, for the first time in a while, while watching the most recent episode of the T.V. Show The Atheist Experience. You can find the episode here.

At approximately the twelve and a half minute mark of the episode, they receive a call from a gentleman who identifies himself as an atheist and as suffering from long term depression. As he tells it, various Christian friends and family who knew he was an atheist before this and never made any particular effort to convert him have suddenly started using is depression as a way to tell him that he needs God and blaming his depression on his atheism.
 

Now, obviously, I have to offer a caveat here that I haven't heard what his friends actually said to him and don't know their side of the story. Having said that, if they really have been blaming his depression on his atheism or suggesting that embracing Christianity will make it all go away then they need to wake up and discover reality. Christians suffer from mental illness, Christians get depressed.
 

I'd love to say that the behaviour of this gentleman's friends was an isolated incident, but I think we all know I'd be lying. I've met too many Christians who seem to think in this way. I also wish, as a Catholic, I could say that this sort of stupidity was confined to evangelical protestantism. Sadly, while thinking of this nature seems to jibe well with the prosperity gospel embraced by a certain for of evangelical, we Catholics are not immune it. I can well remember a Catholic telling me that they couldn't understand how any Catholic could be depressed because we are called to rejoice in the Lord.
 

I should also add, while I don't know exactly what his friends have and have not said to him in the past but, if he is accurate in saying that his friends never tried to evangelise him until the issues with his depression arose then the co-host of the show was probably fairly accurate in describing them as opportunistic (word I won't say.)

Word to the wise, my fellow Christians, embracing Jesus does not grant you automatic immunity from all of the crap that comes with being human. To suggest that it does makes us look like idiots. It also makes us look like jerks.

p.s. On a semi-related note, my friend Karl Hand recently had a post on unhelpful ways to evangelise. While I'm not sure if I agree with everything Karl says, I defiantly think he raises some points worth pondering.